Kanda Genesis Theory
by Nishiki-chan27
Summary: Random little drabbles ranging from Kanda creating the world to Tyki's guide to surviving life to things exploding and the like. "Kanda was bored. Not just 'I'm the only person at HQ and pushing allen down the stairs is boring' bored."
1. Kanda Genesis Theory

A/N: Yes… finally I'm posting it. Took me forever to get around to it! TT TTU

///~~~~**The Kanda Genesis Theory**~~~~\\\

(As recorded by Lavi Bookman, who may become the Dearly Deceased Lavi Bookman) (THERE'S NO "MAYBE" ABOUT IT!!! -Kanda)

**Chapter one: Boredom**

Kanda was bored.

Yes, Yu Kanda was actually _bored_. Not just "I'm the only person at HQ and I've run out of things to cut up" bored. More like "I'm bored outta my skull" bored.

When pushing Allen down a flight of stairs just to watch the baka usagi chase the sorry moyashi to attempt help doesn't keep Kanda entertained, you know something bad is going to happen. Run for cover _now_.

So, Kanda decided to make something. Yes, he had nothing better to do than that. Also, he didn't want to have _another_ charge for murder on his already-too-big criminal record. He had suppressed any memories of the times when General Tiedoll had to come pick him up from the station. The tears… the tears…

And so, Kanda decided to make light.

**Chapter two: Light**

And so Kanda got work on creating light. It was a complex process, you know, you can't just flick a switch and boom there's light. Nope. Not if you're gonna do it the Kanda way.

First you have to make a list of the things you need:

1. Light-bulb

2. Matches

3. Baka usagi

4. Soba

5. Smiley faces

6.

Screw this. He could go on for days. And that was more boring than being bored. So, he moved onto just making the light.

People wondered exactly what was wrong with the young Japanese exorcist. This was not normal for him! It was the apocalypse! The apocalypse! Kanda was _making_ something!!! The world was gonna blow up! Everything they had worked for, lost sleep over, lost limbs and lives over was going to be ruined because somebody was _bored!_ _Kanda_ was _bored!_ _Kanda _was _making something!!!!_

So the Kanda Support Group went into action.

"This could be a good learning experience for my little Yu!" Tiedoll argued. "I've been trying to teach him this lesson for _years_, and now he's going to experience it on his own, making it all the more valuable!"

"Yeah, and Kanda could turn over new-leaf!" Lenalee added, in her annoyingly whiney way.

"Exactly! Maybe he'll be more pleasant! You all want a more pleasant Yu, correct?" Tiedoll continued.

The congregation conferred and said no, they did not wish for a pleasant Kanda. His Gothishness made the family of the Black Order come full-circle. It balanced the overly-happy Lavi and smited the Emoness of Allen (AKA Emo King extraordinaire). (Author's Interruption: It also made the dream of Kanalee a reality~!)

Anyway, back to Kanda. He was getting annoyed. What was with this whole creating things and being hard?! He was also bored. Still. Maybe the un-bored-ness came _after_ the goal had been achieved. So he kept on slaving away at Light.

Finally, _finally_ Light was created.

And it was more boring than the process. Dammit. He was _still_ bored and now annoyed with the cheerfulness of the whole thing! Gah! What did he have to do to not be bored?! Growling and completely ticked off, he prowled around until he came up with a better idea.

Kanda decided maybe making just _one_ thing wasn't enough. So he made an executive decision.

Yu Kanda, making of Light, decided to make Darkness.

**Chapter three: Darkness**

Darkness was even harder than Light! Ugh! How hard did it have to be to not be bored?!

But he finally decided it was time to do something else. So Kanda decided to make things to make Light more appealing (which is harder than it sounds.)

Kanda thought about how to make it quicker. He'd get around to finishing darkness later.

So, darkness just kinda sat around near his bed. Lurking below where the sheets met the floor, hiding in corners, creeping around Komui's desk (it became a black hole after Komui got tired of getting out his frying pan to crush the darkness creeping across papers, because then he had to fix his broken desk and apologize repeatedly to Reever for getting coffee-hyped… it was a long and grueling process.) and jumping out from behind people or tapping their shoulders, causing mayhem of the worst kind. He also didn't watch it very carefully and Road Kamelot would repeatedly steal it just to see what she could do with it. Komui couldn't make Kanda listen to reason and just tie it up or simply get rid of it, because Kanda blamed Komui on getting in the middle of scientific exploration. Komui couldn't come up with a good response to that one. Shoot.

Kanda was slowly coming up with things to make Light better and less boring. So he put a one week time limit to make Light good before he simply ignored it (because a Kanda Cold-Shoulder would kill Allen if Allen weren't able to miraculously come back to life every time) and waited for it to go away, making his life a little less boring in between missions.

So on the first day he made dust and soot and chimneys and roofs and dogs and cats and frogs and soot (more soot) and tigers and jam and honey and lemons and blood (lots of blood) and socks and shoes and bagels and tea and shirts and finally said "That's enough for today, I'm tired and bored and want to watch moyashi fall down the stairs again". So all those things just kind of dispersed and went their separate ways.

On the second day he made apples and soot and frogs and smog and coffins and metal and diamonds and shiny things and beds and dust and soot (Author Interruption: let's count how many times soot comes up) and quilts and telephones and cats and rabbits and shoes and biscuits. And then he took a soba break (because he got hungry and bored with all the soot) and then kept on making things. There were more complaints.

"Kanda's wreaking havoc! I'm allergic to cats!" Johnny sneezed loudly.

"The tiger won't leave! And it's so dusty!"

"How many times has he made soot?!"

"Easy, easy, everybody calm down…" Tiedoll put both hands up and fervently hoped his status would make them pause in attempting to run him and Lenalee over. "Okay. Now, let's think for a second. Yu is new at this. He doesn't know how to do this kind of thing. Would you rather he be breaking things and pushing people down stairs…"

"Little late for that!" Allen called from the back.

"...That's not the point! But you all know what happens when Yu gets bored. Let him go with it. It'll all be resolved eventually."

"Yeah, probably with everything blowing up." Muttered a random Finder to another, who snorted.

While all this was happening, Darkness had roamed off was then poisoning all the food. Allen was in for it.

**Chapter four: Lists**

Day three. Kanda had gotten basically nowhere, and decided it was time to make a list…

He hadn't made one previously, so Kanda created lists. And pencils and soot.

His list looked something like this:

1. make lists

2. make pencils to write lists with

3. make some more soot, because it's easy and I feel like it

4. go alphabetically when making things

The first three were checked. Number four would be hard. So Kanda created protagonists. He put himself next to that blank for pictures in the dictionary. Kanda then exercised the ability to be a protagonist and ate some soba.

When he finally got bored enough to do something, he started to make things. He started with armadillos, allegory, apples, and avenues. He got bored of a and moved onto b. he came up with bandages, balance, blades… c. moving onto c. He got camping, che, and chasms. Then he got bored and ripped one after the other off. Dragons, drabble, elephants, epic… blah. Screw this. He gave up and decided to continue tomorrow.

**Chapter five: the end**

Kanda had slept through half the week and gave up on everything else. Somebody else could make this stuff.

He decided he may as well finish up Darkness.

Kanda fixed up the few issues and made Nighttime (so that Darkness wouldn't get lonely) and set the two loose. They wreaked havoc in their odd little way.

And then the threesome was bored again. So darkness and Nighttime set up a schedule and Kanda became a full-time protagonist.

And all was well.

**Chapter six: Kanda's rant**

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! BAKA USAGI! I'LL EAT YOU!!!

///~~~~-----~~~~\\\

A/N: Yeah, so I finally got it down. I take requests and ideas (please send me a private message, thnx.). There will be a section every chapter or two called "Surviving the World- for Dummies" which is a commentary by Tyki. Please enjoy.


	2. Surviving Life, For Dummies Chap1

A/N: This is written by Tyki, but with "editing" by Road, which will be in **bold. **Sheryl pops in every once in a while, and his writing will be _italicized. _

///~~~~--**Surviving Life, for Dummies**--~~~~\\\

**Chapter one: It's a very, very small world****(after all~!)**

Hmm, I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to do this, but I guess I'm not really getting out of it, so I may as well get this show on the road.

Anyway, chapter one: it's a very small world. I know this because I run into my insane family all the time, get attacked by Road and Sheryl and their happy family-ness, get run over by random people I've met maybe one time, etc., etc., it's really very annoying. I mean, you're just trying to get away from them and then boom, they're there like "Hi!" and you're all like "The hell? I just dumped you guys!" and then things get very awkward with your friends, and it's just idiotic-

**Oh, Tyki-pon, don't you love us anymore? We just want to make sure you're okay, and still alive and well. And to try and get you to help out with world domination and my homework… speaking of which, I have a report due tomorrow. Will you please?**

-and Road needs to _leave me alone_, hint hint. **–sticks tongue out- I'm telling my daddy and he'll eat you!** Is that a threat?! I'm more mature than he is, you know! **Tyki-pon~ you're not doing your jo~ob…**

Go _away!_

Anyway, the world is so small, you may as well just give up on running away from your enemies/friends/family/convicts **(that was very bad grammar, Tyki-pon).** Don't criticize me! Just 'coz I didn't go to some fancy private school- **that's not fair, you know. There are lots of idiots in my class.** You think everyone's an idiot! **Not **_**everyone**_**, just the vast majority of the human population.**

Okay, somebody has to get rid of Road! Now! Seriously, I need to finish this so I can do more interesting things! **Like what? I wanna come, too!** None of you beeswax!

_What's going on in here? _Not you, too! **Daddy! **Help me! _Oh, hi, Tyki! What're you doing? _**He's writing something for the Millennium Earl. It's not very good, so I'm editing!**___Ooh, I'll help!_ No you won't! Go away! **Waah, Tyki doesn't love us anymore! **_Tyki! Is that true? I feel so unloved! _Gah! Just go away! I'm so not in the mood for this! _**But Tyki~!**_NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! **Tyki-Pon! **Don't call me that! _Tyki~ponTyki~ponTyki~pon!_ _…. _You have the maturity of a five year old! _**Tyki~pon, Tyki~pon,**__**Ty~ki~po~on!**_ CUTITOUT!!!

-technical difficulties-

Okay, so now I've ditched them… we can get a move on. _**Hi, Tyki! **_DANG IT!

-Author's interruption-

As you can see from this, Tyki has awful luck. And yes indeed, the world is a tiny little place. **Yep!**

TT TT U eh…


	3. Call of Noah

A/N: I'm in this one. This going to be much fun. I don't own DGM… but I am waiting for the Clan to come pick me up any day now. Thank you to Sorastro (Momo), Izzeroo (Bera), and Kurisuten (Kuri) for making guest appearances.

******~~~--- Call Of Noah---~~~****  
Shii's POV**

Part One: Call Waiting.  
Being an account of the phone belonging to Shii.

"Hello, this is the Millennium Earl's receptionist. My name is Jill and I will be taking your call. How can I help you?"

My little Gothic heart flutters. Someone picked up the phone this time! Yes! "Hi, this is Nishiki-chan, I think I placed a call an hour ago-"

Jill hangs up. Crap. Fuming, I hit End Call and begin cursing the Millennium Earl's reception desk into the deepest waters of Hell.

"Did you get a reply?" Momo is sitting on my bed, legs crossed, as the optimist pages through D. Gray-Man volume 7. "This is, like, the fourth time today. They can't ignore you forever." She suddenly cheers and yells "Allen Fail!" before going back to our conversation. I dial another number. "Besides, isn't a new receptionist every hour? How do they keep knowing who you are? _Some_body has to forget to pass along the message."

"I doubt it. This is week five. They're awfully thorough." Kuri looks up from her doodle. "Hey! I want to be accepted into the Clan. They're my family."

"It would explain a LOT." Kuri replies, and both Momo and she begin to laugh. I glower and turn back to my phone, picking at the rhinestones fighting for their life on the edge of my screen. They _used_ to be a blue heart. Until they were laid upon by all of my four cats, gotten stuck in my jacket while riding my grandpa's insane horse (ever-so-lovingly nicknamed Gunsmoke and happens to be the alter-ego of Lavi*), and dropped at many random times during its short life.

"Hey! Shii-tan, if you meet Tyki-pon, will you introduce me?" Bera practically sends my rolling bed through the wall, throwing Kuri off-balance and causing Momo to fall. "PLEASE?" The moron is completely unfazed by the chaos and disorder she has caused.

"If you keep destroying my house, no." I valiantly ignore the pout as she tries to not cause destruction everywhere she moves. I go back to tapping through my contacts. "Hey, I got a text from Voldemort."

"What does it say?" Momo is immediately at attention. Voldemort has a fan club.

"It says: 'Horrible weather in London. Your flight to the Black Order is cancelled. On a lighter note, Bellatrix is on a date with this guy down on Fleet Street and I don't have to deal with her today. Beaches here I come!'"

"Good to know he's not skulking around trying to figure out a way to kill Harry Potter." Momo says, chipper as ever, and fishes for the next volume in the disorder of my room since the One-Shot-Wonder (Bera) was invited in.

"Isn't he on holiday with the Weasleys at the beach?" Kuri asks, still doodling.

"Oh. Right." My attention is elsewhere as I toss a plastic (I hope) skull into the air to the 3/4 time of "A Little Priest." "Well, then. Hope they have fun."

"You _guys_, there's an ash cloud. Only someone who's already _dead_ could be outside. HP's safe." Momo wrestles Bleach from Bera's grasp. "Hey! I was reading that!"

"No you weren't!" Bera replies hotly.

"Well, I was going to!"

"You people drive me crazy!" I reply. "C'mon, let's call 'Jill' again. I'll put it on speaker phone so you can hear."

"You're relentless, Shii!" Kuri laughs. "Hey, can I use your toning pens? I really like that pastel blue."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. What was the number again?"

"You forgot?" Bera flips through a much-abused copy of DNAngel as a Band-Aid for her wounded pride… or at least her Bleach fandom.

"I'm not good with numbers, okay?"

"How'd you make it to Algebra 1?" Momo asks, her eyes huge.

I turn with my signature "Omigod, you're an idiot" gothic-teen look. The dark kohl about two inches thick definitely helps the look. As do large tawny-hazel eyes. "That had nothing to do with whether or not I'm good with numbers. That's all about letters. And making magical math stuff happen."

"Okay then."

Bera laughs. "Wow, Momo, doesn't take a lot to make you happy."

"I know! I'm easily satisfied!"

"Until Fanfiction comes into play." Kuri replies. Everyone laughs at that.

"No, seriously, what was the number?"

"I don't know." Three voices chorus. I roll my eyes and tap what I _think _the number is. The phone rings and everyone goes silent. Within three rings, someone picks up.

"Hello, Official Royai Hotline, how may we help your fangirl needs?"

Momo and Kuri deafen me with their screams of fandom. Another day in the life of Shii.

Part Two: On Hold.  
Being an account of Algebra 1 and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along blog.

Dropping my backpack to the floor, I give a half-hearted wave to my baby sister's sitter and take out my math book. Starting from where I left off on problem 18, I try to figure out how to end up with a simplified problem from 8+5h over 3h (squared) – 48 + -(6h+4) over 3h (squared) – 48. The whole ordeal makes my head hurt and I haven't even started the problem.

Finally, after nearly an hour of being distracted by Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, I have finished. Time to begin my daily ritual of calling the Millennium Earl's reception desk.

"Hello, my name is Jolene and I'm representing the Millennium Earl's reception desk. How may I help you?"

"Hi, this is Nishiki-chan, and I'm wondering if I can be penciled into the Millennium Earl's obviously busy schedule to meet the Clan of Noah, because I'm pretty certain I'm at least an estranged cousin, and-"

"Yes, yes, yes, I understand. I'll put you on hold."

-Cue elevator music-

**Dun dun dun da-dun……**

Mortified, I let the phone slip from my ear. _This is worse than being hung up on!_ Unfortunately, my pride tells me to stick it out and I sit there and listen to something out of Popeye the Sailor Man.

Part Three: Voicemail  
Being an account of the long list of options on the Millennium Earl's voicemail.

"-_boooop-_ Hello you have reached the voicemail of **The Millennium Earl**. To leave a voice-message, press one or just wait for the tone. To send a numeric page, press two. For more information, press three. If you are **Road Kamelot**, press 4. If you are an Exorcist, press 5 or just wait for the assassin. If you want to be flamingo'ed, press 6. If you want to get in touch with **Rent-A-Akuma** press 7. If you are one crack, press 8. If you think **Allen Walker** is an idiot, press 9. If you are dealing drugs, press 10. If you are chewing gum, press 11. If you are a clown, press 12. If you are a solicitor, please hang up. …At the tone, please record your voice message. When are you are finished, hang up or press ***** for more options."

-Boooop-

"Hi, this is Nishiki-Chan, once again. I'm wondering if you have any free time in which I could meet the Clan of Noah because I believe I am, at the very least, an estranged cousin. Please call me back or send a letter or an Akuma if you have any spares. Thank you very very very very very much."

I press End Call and pump my fist into the air. "I DIDN'T GET HUNG UP ON!!!"

I immediately send PMs to all my friends on Fanfiction.

Part Four: Texting with Road Kamelot.  
Being an account of the bizarre happenings of the phone-like conversation description.

**Road Kamelot: Hiya! Road speaking. Millennie says you can't come over yet, but I can still "talk" to you. Sounds fun, right? :D**

Shii: :D HO SHIT I'M BEING TEXTED BY ROAD! -dies-

**Road Kamelot: D:**

**Road Kamelot: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo……….!**

Shii: :D Gotcha.

**Road Kamelot: D:**

Shii: ROFLMAO.

**Road Kamelot: …D:**

**Road Kamelot: D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:**

Shii: OK but seriously how're things on your end?

**Road Kamelot: Ya know, the usual. School, stealing Lero, abusing Tyki…**

Shii: I wish! Ugh! Algebra AND Chinese on ONE NIGHT! I STILL don't know where to put "lai" in a sentence.

**Road Kamelot: What does it mean?**

Shii: To come.

**Road Kamelot: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! AHHAHAHAHA!**

Shii: I know, right? But the dickheads in my Chinese class took it WAAAAY too far. I mean, come ON! Do we really need three drawings of penises?

**Road Kamelot: -dies of affixation-**

Shii: D:

**Road Kamelot: I would say I pitied you, but it's too funny~!**

Shii: D:

**Road Kamelot: Oh! Daddy's calling. I have to go. Rub Megan the Peach Farmer's head for me, will ya? Bye-bye!**

Shii: Bye… D:

Part Five: Prank Call the Black Order  
Being an account of Kanda's fury.

I scroll through my list of contacts and come across the phone number of Allen Walker first. Feeling sadistic, I call and pull up the list of lyrics from the movie "Sweeny Todd" and scroll down to "Epiphany."

"Hello?" a grin breaks out across my face as I begin the song from my iPod to belt alongside.

I can almost see the confused look on the moyashi's face as I found the part I could actually sing (goddamn soprano!).

"They all deserve to die.  
Tell you why, Allen Walker, tell you why.  
Because in all of the whole human race, Allen Walker, there are two kinds of men and only two.  
There's the one staying put in his proper place and the one with his foot in the other one's face.  
Look at me, Allen Walker, look at you.  
Now we all deserve to die.  
Even you, Allen Walker, even I.  
Because of the lives of the wicked should be made brief.  
For the rest of us death will be a relief.  
We all deserve to die!"

"…You know, you may have a point."

Mortified, I hang up quickly and turn down the music. _That did not go as planned._

I scroll down some more and find Komui next. Realizing that would probably end as well as the prank call to moyashi, I skipped it. Next would be Lavi. Thinking, I once again realized how crappy an idea like that was because it would be sent back to me a hundred times over. Lenalee, Reever… Ah ha!

Yu Kanda. Hell. Yeah.

I call the number and play "When You Were Young" by the Killers.

"You sit there in your  
Heartache  
Waiting on some beautiful boy to  
To save you from your  
Own ways-"

I hadn't realized that swords could be transported over phone wires.

Part Six: Call Waiting.

"So, how was your weekend?" Kuri asks.

"Um…" I reply. I still can't form coherent thoughts yet on a Monday other than "food food food food food food food DANGER**".

"That good huh?"

"Well, I didn't get hung up on. And Road and I are on texting basis."

"Good!" Momo chirps.

"Huh?!" Baka-Bera awakes from her place of blissful idiocy.

"Thank you for describing yourself." Kuri says.

I muss with my skulls-and-roses do-rag before sticking my hands in the pockets of my blazer. "Hm… let's go invade Momo's advisory." Dragging the ever-optimist along by the sleeve of her t-shirt, we go to wreak havoc in the social studies teacher's room.

I scrawl "Would you rather be a roadkill squirrel being picked apart by crows or a dead human being eaten by fireants?"

Another child in Momo's advisory shows up. "Why do we always have such weird questions?" he asks as I brush past.

"Because Shii gets here first." Momo says as if it makes perfect sense. I stifle giggles and lope off to the commons to greet the day…

…The soon-to-be-abolished day.

******~~~--- Call Of Noah---~~~****  
End.**

A/N: My phone really has all of those contacts, and many more. Tyki, Envy, Voldemort, Lavi, and Kanda are all on my speed dial. …it doesn't actually call anyone, I just like to _think_ it does.

* His real name is Harold, and he's like 27 which is really old for a horse. He is a tall quarter horse/ thoroughbred mix. He is chestnut and has an overgrown mane which is chopped off but seems to always grow so it sticks at odd angles and never lays flat or slightly dignified, and has only one eye, his left. Creepy, right? Only, he's the one who beats on Lukie, the 9-year-old buckskin my grandpa rides. It's like "I can't believe I know you" and then he decided to run me up against an oak tree. Talk about bruises.

**the thought process of Allen and of squirrels.

As always, please review! Thanks!


	4. Sweeny Services

A/N: Yeah, yeah, some of you are gonna hate me for this. Whatever. I don't own either DGM or Sweeny Todd, no matter how much I wish I was Tim Burton –sobs-.

******~~~--- Sweeny Services---~~~******

Part One: The Plan  
Being an account of Kanda's ascent back to Creator of Things

Kanda was bored.

Again.

The whole Order shuddered.

Anyway, Kanda was bored. He wasn't even in a push-Allen-down-the-stairs mood. Again. He thought about creating another world or something, but that was even more boring, as he recalled, and then he had to deal with calls from places like Fleet Street complaining about the smell from Mrs. Lovett's chimney. And French camping sites about the port-a-potties.

Then, he had an astounding idea:

Create something to get rid of the ever-alive Allen Walker for good. An evil smile broke across his face and he began drawing blueprints.

Muttering to himself (in a voice not unlike Gollum's from the Lord of the Rings trilogy), he sketched out the basic frame, a stick figure. "It will have mussy black hair with a discolored spot above the right eye, like somebody hit it with bleach, then it will carry a pair of silver razors, and-

"WAIT A SECOND!" he flipped through some random catalog Komui sent around annually. "S, s, s, s, s… too far… not far enough… g? How the hell did I get to g? S…. Ah ha." He paused under a list of names.

"Sweeny Cleaners! For my jacket. And then Sweeny Services, for the annoying beansprout. I knew I had seen that face _some_where."

He dialed the number. Allen was in for a nasty surprise.

Part Two: Survey  
Being an account of Kanda's masterplan being put into action.

Mrs. Lovett was the first to show up at the Black Order. She was pleasant and moderately kind and most people liked her. Or they really liked Toby, who was along for the ride.

"Alright, I guess this place looks creepy enough. It's more than dusty enough." She said, surveying the large halls. "How far up does this thing go?"

"Past most clouds." Komui shrugged. "More than thirty floors, if that's what you're asking."

"Really? Thirty?" Toby began counting on his fingers. "I'm going to run out of fingers!"

"Right you are, love." Mrs. Lovett ruffled his hair before walking off in the direction of the training rooms. "Ooh, keep him away from here, love, he may challenge those people to a duel. The last one ended so badly."

Toby shuddered, obviously remembering the beating.

"Hm, I'd say this place is fine. I'll call the moving vans."

Part Three: Attack  
Being an account of Sweeny's arrival

"Back, back, back, alright, good!" Mrs. Lovett called and sent a thumbs-up sign at the van driver.

Kanda cheerfully watched from his safe perch on the roof.

"Easy, love, keep 'im quiet. Dear old boy gets excited." She told the people clawing at the door and then quickly undid the lock on the back of the big white van. "Alright, me boys, we ready?"

"Ready!"

"Okay! Move the crate!"

A wire cage was removed from the van. Within the skeleton sat a fully grown man in bloodstained clothing, foaming at the mouth. It snarled as sunlight hit its pale skin, illuminating the bloodshot veins below the crazed eyes. It growled again when Mrs. Lovett very gingerly laid a pair of silver blades approximately twelve feet away from the cage. "Ready inside?" she called toward the Order.

Kanda sent the thumbs-up. The moyashi was tied to a pole in the center of a training ring, perfumed with eau de Judge Turpin. Anyone not to harm (e.g. those who were smart enough to buy it when the message was sent out) were scented with eau de Lucy. Anthony was caught wandering around looking for Johanna, singing under his breath as he looked for the familiar yellow-haired creature. He was greatly rejected as he found out his lovely Johanna was currently "out of order".

Anyhow, Sweeny was released from the cage and lunged for the silver knives. Growling, it sniffed the air and galloped away, not unlike an ape, toward the training floor.

"Does it always act like that?" Lenalee asked Mrs. Lovett.

"No, not usually, once he gets his bearings back." She eyed the thin exorcist. "When was the last time you ate a full meal?" Lenalee opened her mouth to answer but was quickly shushed. "Come on, we'll get you a nice pie."

Then, loud ripping noises could be heard from the training floor as Sweeny regained his bearings and mangled the white-haired teen's throat. He then commenced to walk quickly out with something of a lope.

He suddenly sniffed the air and with his battle cry of "OLLOLLOLLO!" ran off to catch another victim.

"Should we..?" Kanda asked.

"Nah, he'll be back soon, love." Mrs. Lovett replied.

Part Four: Goodbye  
Being an account of Sweeny Services leaving

"Alright, easy, love. Back in the cage." Mrs. Lovett brandished a picture of Lucy on a fishing pole in front of the slobbering beast. It seemed to know it would get what it wanted if it listened up and crawled into the back of the van. "Okay, we're ready to go!"

"Why, again, were they called?" Komui asked to no one in particular.

"No idea. Hey, has anyone seen Allen?" Lavi asked.

******~~~--- Sweeny Services---~~~****  
End.**


	5. History With Tyki

A/N: This is all based off a conversation Momo, Kuri, and I had during school. Hope you enjoy.

Oh, and I meant American history. Sorry, but considering my old school (where I learned this stuff) didn't even tell us what the Holocaust was, I am historically challenged. I'm working on it, but I hate research, so… -sweatdrop-

I don't own DGM.

******~~~--- History with Tyki---~~~******

Part One: Why Me?!  
Being an account of the not-so-historical rant

NO!

You've GOT to be kidding me! Again? Why? What did I do to deserve this?!

Noooooooo……. –falls onto the floor-

-dies-

-comes back to life-

-strangles self-

-comes back to life-

-figures out he's not getting out of this-

-sobs-

-walks like an Egyptian-

-opens a history book-

-stares in horror-

This is stupid! This is so stupid!

-slams said book-

-makes up new plan for teaching history-

-scrawls "history according to Tyki" on a blank piece of paper-

-begins to write-

Part Two: The Revolutionary War  
Being an account of George Washington

In…. some year several thousand after the birth of Jesus but waaay before I was born, George Washington (aka G-Force) decided to go to the New World because England wasn't cutting it anymore. Not as much fun as it was when Queen Victoria lived, anyway.

So, he got all his posse to follow him.

"So we've got to make a government, with, like, a president and a vice president and, like, a Supreme Court and stuff." He said with the conviction of a thirteen-year-old. Everyone clapped. "Yeah, and we can like, live in this rad mansion. It'll be all pimped out and white, not brick." Everyone oohed and ahhed. A house made of white?! It was unheard of! They were rebels!

So, they went and egged the queen's house and declared war on them, then retreated to America. The natives got pissed and attacked them, but they had egged the queen's house, by God! They could do _anything_!

So they waged war on Britain.

They were put on hold. But, when they had finally matured to about 40, Britain came over.

"Pass the ammo!" G-Force shouted and threw a bomb.

When the red coats kept coming, he roared with fury and ripped his shirt, revealing buff and tanned skin beneath. He picked up his musket and held it above his head in fisted and hands and shouted…..

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!!!"

With that, he crushed the Brits running toward their gorgeous white house. And that was the Revolution.

Part Three: Reviews  
Being an account of shameless bashing

Road: WOW. I thought you were joking when you said you never went to school.

Sheryl: Unfortunate though it may be, he hoped his looks would charm his way up the social ladder. But really, you couldn't even look in a book?

Lavi: -in shell shock- -twitches- …What. The. Hell?

Lulu Bell: Really, I had thought you may have learned _some_thing over the course of 26 years.

Lavi: -returns to shell shock-

Allen: -points at Tyki and laughs-

Kanda: -Is eating-

Lavi: How could you make a mockery of my life's work?!

Road: -laughs-

Tyki: -dies-

******~~~--- History with Tyki---~~~******

**End.**


	6. The Great Canoe Race

A/N: Sorry about the long hiatus- I haven't been writing much as of late. However, now I have ideas, motive, less procrastination, and time! Woohoo! Thank you to Kurisuten-chan, who helped me come up with idea after watching YouTube videos late into the night.

To see some of our inspiration, go to my profile and click on the links. Thank you!

******~~~- The Great Canoe Race -~~~******

Part One: Because We All Knew Komui Was Cruel

Through another random set of happenstances, the entirety of the Black Order was put into groups for a canoe race. Of course Komui put himself with Lenalee. Of course Krory was forgotten until the minute and put in his own lonesome canoe. And of course Komui's brilliant idea of the day was putting Kanda, Allen and Lavi in the same canoe.

Everyone knew that those three would be dead by the end of the day.

They had probably made five feet from the starting point before Allen and Kanda were at one another's throats.

"Baka moyashi, hold up your end of the canoe." Kanda snapped as the three slowly slowly slowly portaged to the water's edge.

"Shut up, Kanda! It's not like you're doing so good a job either!" Allen replied vehemently.

"C'mon you guys, just another four feet and we can put the canoe down," Lavi groaned, holding up the bulk of the canoe on his shoulders. "And really, let's help out the poor middle man for a couple'a minutes by lifting their end!"

The two behind and in front of him ignored him and continued to argue. Lavi sighed before ducking under the canoe and letting the two put their anger into motion and carry the stupid boat. Needless to say, they definitely put the anger in motion and carried the canoe… straight into his gut.

Take Two: They Have Finally Made it to the Water

"Okay!" Lavi yelled at his companions, who were sitting on the canoe. "We're going to make it into the water this time! Got it?"

"Okay," Allen said. Kanda grunted in reply, which earned him a stare from Allen. "Come on, let's not be rude, Kanda."

"Shut up moyashi."

"You _people_," Lavi moaned. "Get off the canoe! We're really far behind! You don't want to get beat by the science department, do you?"

"Hey!" Reever snapped. Lavi had a sinking feeling he was going to be feeling the grunt of their wrath.

"We should probably get going," Allen admitted. He stood and tried to pry the canoe out from under Kanda. "Um, Kanda, would you please-"

"No."

"Why not?" Allen snapped. "We've caused enough trouble already. We should really stop with this-"

"Shut up. Moyashi."

"My name's _Allen_, moron. Get it right."

"Che."

"People! Come _on!_" Lavi said from his spot valiantly dragging the canoe along. Kanda's unmoving weight didn't help him at all. "Kanda, really, why won't you stand up and help us?"

"The idiot moyashi decided to help. Isn't he enough?"

"Not when we can't even lift the canoe!"

"Give up, Lavi," Allen interjected. "He's too much of an ass as well as an idiot to think of our well-being."

Kanda wasted no words in unsheathing Mugen and bringing it to Allen's throat. "Shut up, moyashi."

"Is that _all_ you can say?" Allen retorted.

Lavi sighed and picked up the canoe. _I can probably carry it nine yards. No big deal. _"Come on, you two. You know Komui's not going to send a search squad for you at the end of this." Placing the canoe in the water, Lavi thought they might finally have a chance. He let his hopes go up for a moment- before Kanda's blade neatly broke one of the paddles in two.

Take Three: A New Paddle, Courtesy of the U.K.

"Kanda, you IDIOT!" Lavi screeched. "Now we have to go back to the warehouse and find another one of these! Argh! You two couldn't have avoided where I was standing? You're both idiots!" Lavi continued to fume for several seconds before Allen asked "Are you done?"

Lavi nodded. "Yes." He then pointed to Kanda. "Go get another paddle."

"Why me?"

"Because you broke it and it was mine."

"How does that factor?"

"You broke it."

"So if it was mine," Allen clarified, "he'd have to go get it because he broke it?"

"No, you'd get it because you caused the problem by egging him on."

"How does_ that_ factor?"

Kanda walked back with paddle in hand. Lavi stared in disbelief. "Where'd you get that so fast?"

He jerked his head toward some random blonde guy on a manly pink unicorn. "He says his name is Arthur Kirkland." The alleged Arthur then waved goodbye before disappearing. The three stared after him curiously but also with a disturbed look crossing the features of the two not made of stone.

Emo, invincible, and drop-dead sexy stone.

"So…" Lavi said. "Uh. Should we continue onward?"

Take Four: Finally, FINALLY, Underway

It took several more half-way launches, but finally the three were underway. Lavi was in the middle to avoid any more Kanda- and Allen-esque accidents. It didn't change the fact that the two were bickering like old ladies. _If only I could've been in my own canoe…_ He then spotted Krory to the port side and waved him over, yelling some nonsense about important something-or-others that he really needed to see.

" LET ME IN YOUR CANOE!" Lavi begged, hanging half out of the canoe with fistfuls of Krory's cloak in his hands. "PLEASE they're trying to KILL me!"

"That's _it_, moyashi!" Kanda yelled. He held his paddle like a hockey stick and swung it at Allen, who barely missed getting hit. In the process, however, he fell straight from the boat and into the water. Kanda ignored this fact and began paddling faster.

"Kanda! We have to stop for Allen!" Lavi cried in response. Allen finally popped up from under the water, but seemed now at a loss at how to cross the eighth mile to get to them.

"Then you can go get him." Kanda said, still paddling. Krory, meanwhile, had turned around and was hauling Allen into his canoe. He caught up with the arguing pair and Allen climbed out, thanking the vampiric exorcist.

Then Krory sort of paddled off.

As soon as Allen had regained his spot in the canoe (after flipping it over and drenching everyone inside of it in his attempt to get to the front where he sat) he and Kanda were at each other's throats again. Lavi slumped and continued paddling until he realized neither Kanda nor Allen had been paddling on the same side. It hadn't been an issue before when they were going straight forward, but if they needed to turn…

…because of a giant rock…

…or something like that….

…They were screwed. Lavi slumped further before realizing there really _was_ a giant "I'm-gonna-fuck-you-up" rock right in front of them.

"You two! There's a giant rock! Paddle on your right so we can avoid it!"

"No way am I paddling on the same side as the moyashi." Kanda grumbled, continuing in his current pattern and sending them further toward the rock.

"You _people_! A ROCK." Lavi pointed. "We're going to _sink_ if we hit it."

"I think we can manage." Allen replied.

Lavi slapped his hand into his face. "C'mon, you two, really, let's put aside our differences and not hit the _giant freaking ROCK_."

The two ignored him.

I think we all know how _that_ ended.

Or not.

Lavi grabbed Kanda's paddle and began to row as fast as he could to get away from the rock. They managed –barely- however, Kanda didn't take well to the being forced to do something. He chose to ignore, though, because there was something much more interesting to argue with- Allen.

"See? Aren't you glad we didn't hit that rock?" Lavi asked.

Allen nodded. "If only Kanda hadn't been so _stupid_ as to argue instead of _helping_."

Kanda ignored this comment and instead chose to let the moyashi believe he had won this argument. Then, taking his paddle like a hockey stick yet again, he swung- forgetting Lavi was right there.

With a resounding _thunk_, Lavi fell forward into the canoe, obviously knocked out and unable to move. "I might've hit a bit hard," Kanda muttered, but tossed the paddle experimentally. It made a pretty damn good weapon.

Take Five: Lavi's First Bout of Insanity

Lenalee looked over her shoulder to check if the boys had finally made it into the water and were all still alive. The three came into view and she smiled, waving to them. Miranda saw too and waved nervously but continued paddling –well, attempting to anyway.

"Hey guys!" Lenalee called. Allen waved back. Lavi sat still in the canoe and Lenalee realized something was wrong. "You didn't kill Lavi, did you?"

"Not that we know of?" Allen asked. He laughed nervously. "There was uh kind of, uh, a, uh, mishap."

"I see…" Lenalee said. She waved her hand in Lavi's face to no reaction whatsoever. "You're sure he's not dead?"

"Yet." Kanda replied.

That seemed to be enough to shock Lavi out of his reverie and he began to belt out some random song:

"_I AM NOT DEAD YET  
I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING  
I AM NOT DEAD YET  
I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING"_

Kanda began to repeatedly whack the back of his head until after another four verses of this Lavi finally lapsed into silence. Lenalee sighed and told Miranda to keep paddling; this is just getting weirder and weirder.

"Nice going, Lavi." Allen muttered. "Now she thinks we're _all_ freaks."

"Cuz she _obviously_ didn't already." Bookman said as he, Reever, and Johnny passed by. "If you kill my apprentice, I'll see to it you're killed slowly by acupuncture." His panda eyes gleamed. "Very, very, _v-ee-rr-y _slowly by acupuncture."

Lavi once again began screeching his song to the world:

"_OH WE'RE NOT YET DEAD_  
_TO CAMELOT WE GO_  
_TO ENLIST INSTEAD_  
_TO TRY TO EARN SOME DOUGH_  
_AND SO ALTHOUGH_  
_WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BED_  
_WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR_  
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD!"

"Shut UP!" Kanda and Allen yelled at the same time before both tried to tip him out into the water. Lavi held onto the sides of the boat and took the other two with him once they finally succeeded in tipping said boat. "Why do I have a feeling he's getting revenge through this?" Allen asked.

"Stop talking." Kanda replied. "And get back in the boat."

Take Six: The Melancholy of Arystar Krory

Krory was somewhere in the center of the mass of canoes (although where he was was fairly empty). He wasn't certain where, just knew he was pretty damn in the middle of nowhere. And he had no one to talk to. Even the crazy canoe (bet you can't guess which one _that_ is) would be better than this.

But he wouldn't complain. It was something of a nice break.

Reever, however, felt awful for the lonesome exorcist. "Johnny, Bookman, can you turn this canoe around for a moment? I'm going to go sit with Krory."

Neither really argued- canoeing makes people zone out.

Reever sat behind Krory. For a long time an awkward silence surrounded them. Finally Reever coughed and tried to speak but chose not to. _Maybe not my best plan._

"This is… fun." Krory said slowly.

"Yep."

"Nice break."

"Uh-huh."

"Hm."

"I wonder where everybody else is."

"I saw the boys get tipped out of their canoe again."

"Again?"

"This has to be the third time."

"I hope they don't kill one another."

"Uh-huh."

Another awkward silence.

"So." Reever started this time. "Uh. Nice day?"

"I guess so."

A fish jumped up somewhere else. A heron caught it. Both men watched in a mix of disgust and awe.

And more silence.

Out of nowhere:

"_**I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!"**_

"Lavi, stop that!"

"_**THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN A ROW!"**_

"SHUT UP!"

"_**BIG ONES SMALL ONES SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!"**_

"Agh!"

"_**GIVE A TWIST A FLICK OF THE WRIST THAT'S WHAT THE SHOWMAN SAID!"**_

"Lavi, you're driving me INSANE!" Allen wailed. "Stop it already! Whatever it was, I'm sorry!"

"_**NOW THAT I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCNUTS-"**_

Also out of nowhere a chorus appeared on the shore and began singing along with Lavi.

"_DA DA DA DA DA"_

"_**EVERY BALL YOU THROW WILL ME RICH"**_

"_DA DA DA DA DA"_

"_**THERE STANDS ME WIFE"**_

Now Lavi made his end game move and motioned to Kanda. All of the chorus members went silent and quickly snuck off to hide amongst the branches of the trees, therefore they would not be punished in the likely event Kanda couldn't get at Lavi.

"_**THE IDOL OF ME LIFE"**_

"Lavi! Stop that! Really! We're all dead if you don't!" Allen pleaded, shaking his friend, who was still crowing the song at the top of his voice. "Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm sorry!"

Kanda then began repeatedly bashing Lavi on the head with his paddle. This was the only sure-fire way to shut the idiot up. However, now Kanda was back at square one: Lavi would continue his insanity for even longer now. And in all likelihood, this would not be the last time Kanda heard the coconut song.

Krory turned back to Reever. "Great break."

"Yep, we'd never get this back at HQ."

"Nope."

******~~~- The Great Canoe Race -~~~****  
End**


End file.
